Have you ever heard of a fleshlight or pocket p*ssy? Both can be made at home. Just google it.
-You can always use your hand.
Sit on your left hand until it becomes numb and then jerk off. It kind of makes you feel like it’s a stranger’s hand.
-If you’re REALLY flexible then you can perform fellatio on yourself. Also I don’t know if you’re -thing- if flexible enough, but if you’re gay or you just like the back door then you can bend your -thing- until it goes into your back door. :// Trust me it’s possible
-If your couch is the soft leathery type (or whatever material you’re comfortable with) you could put your -thing- into the slit with vaseline as lubrication.
-Have you seen the show "Manswers"? In one episode it shows you how to have sex with your car exhaust pipe. Google it. It’s real.
-In an episode of "1000 Ways To Die", this man hooks up a cow heart to a cow engine and "does it". As long as you don’t send too much electricity up to the heart, you should be fine.
-Maybe you could try viewing different types of p0rn?
If you are right handed, then sit on your left hand until it becomes numb. Then, with your numb hand, start masturbating with it. It feels like someone else is giving you a hand job. It’s called " A Stranger."